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12/31/06 Massage
12/25/06 Salsa Dancing
12/25/06 Plant Lady
12/25/06 Auto Show
11/23/06 Circus Vargas
10/29/06 Competitive Eating
09/17/06 Wine-Tasting
09/17/06 Words
09/17/06 Cell Phone Chirps
08/12/06 Fashion for Men
06/04/06 Free Cat

Perfect World

In case you didn't notice, the world is not a perfect place. There's war, pollution, hunger, injustice, and of course Anna Nicole Smith. Even little things don't make sense: rush hour traffic not going anywhere, boxing at the Goodwill Games, DVDs showing us highlights of movies THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO WATCH.

One night, after being flagrantly overserved by a bartender, I scribbled on cocktail napkins a list of world improvements. First I called it "If I Were God," then, as the beer wore on, "What Happened to My Childhood" and finally "Gibbledy Gobbledy Goo."

We'll stick with the editor-friendly, "In a Perfect World." The unabridged list is swirling above a local landfill, but here are some napkins that survived the ride home.


In a perfect world...

  • pug dogs would have a reasonable amount of skin on their face.
  • boot would rhyme with foot.
  • we'd get paid for the time we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding from work.
  • radio stations would keep their contest money and play some bloody music.
  • all of a woman's issues could be fixed with WD-40 and duct tape.
  • answering machines would come with a get-to-the-point button.
  • when leaders go bad, they would mottle like bananas.
  • athletes would retire only once.
  • traffic lights would change when we honk at them.
  • O.J. Simpson would have married Lorena Bobbitt.
  • priests who hear confessions would get paid the same as shrinks.
  • the brightness control on our TV would turn up the intelligence.
  • if an officer has to tackle the suspect to make an arrest, he would be entitled to three free punches.
  • when people graduate high school, they'd also graduate high school mentality.
  • when teams lose on Fan Appreciation Day, everyone would get their money back.
  • lawyers would speak a language that humans can understand.
  • walkie-talkie cell phones would exist only in hell.
  • sick days would include when you're sick of work.
  • weight gain would be caused not by food but by some undelicious thing like televangelism.
  • the Meyers would get together with the Myers and settle the spelling once and for all.
  • every driver would understand the Merge Concept.
  • we could surgically remove that part of our brain that plays the same snippet of music over and over and over.
  • everyone would die on their one-hundredth birthday while having sex.

But the world is not perfect, so we have storms and train wrecks and Anna Nicole Smith, left to wonder about a God who would have it this way. It would be too much to handle but for a gift from this same Creator, something to take away the anguish and put the whole world back in perspective. And that is lots of beer.

So it goes.


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